You Won't Become an Unattractive, Crumpled Woman-Husk Until After You Turn 32

I don’t know about you, but I celebrate each birthday by putting a lip gloss, a tampon, an eyelash curler and a push-up bra in a tiny little canoe. I then put the canoe in a body of water, set it afloat and light it on fire as a small Viking funeral for my one-year-younger, prettier self, as a single tear rolls down my cheek.

Like me, I know you wonder, “When will I finally be told by other people when I’ll be the most attractive? Why won’t a random survey just give me an arbitrary age by which I can define my level of physical appeal?” Well, the time has come.

A British study has informed us that the “magic age for feeling sexy” is the ripe old age of 28. But what happens after 28? The study of 2,000 women, conducted by British feminine hygiene company Lil-Lets, notes that women feel “most confident” overall at the age of 32, thanks to “supportive friends and family” who “boost their ego.” Which is nice of them, since you already peaked at 28 and everything. The company’s marketing director, who commissioned the study, said: “It’s fantastic to see women are in fact quite happy with the way they look.”

But, then, what happens after 32? You turn into a crone, then you turn into a bat, and then you disintegrate into a fine dust.

‘Women feel most attractive at 28’ [The Telegraph UK]

Photo via Andrei Zarubaika/Shutterstock